My ray of sunshine

I feel a bit more gratitude today which is something I can lose when I’m not in a great place.

I planned on doing nothing today but a friend text at 9am asking to meet up for a brew. I wasn’t really feeling it but I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and into the bath (always love a good bath!). Threw on some leggings, my “believe in yourself” top and a hoodie, teamed with my Primark £6 converse. Wasn’t really feeling the make up today but wore it anyway as my skin is horrendous. Braided my hair as was I shite messing on with straightening it today. Left the dishes, something I never do as I’m a germ freak but thought fuck it.

Got to George st and wasn’t really feeling being around people so I changed tables five times. And then my friend came.

I mean yeah I was struggling and I have no money at all right now. But George Street Social have pay it forward cuppas which is absolutely brilliant in hard times. My friend paid for my lunch which honestly people are just so kind. It was nice, he knew Louie too so we chatted about that, addiction, sobriety, struggles, kids, coffee (I worked for him a while back and he trained me in barista stuff: which led to a million latte’s being made with me practicing that fucking latte art), talked about places that make shit coffee and where makes good coffee: I’ve no clue I hate coffee. It was lush, we are close friends and he gives the best hugs.

Sat with some other friends and “no filter Nicolle” came out to play. I’m a douche bag sometimes, I really need to learn to engage my brain with my mouth. No one really gets offended everyone seems to think I’m hilarious. (And I wonder why Kai is so sarcastic) but seriously Nicolle you’re almost 28 fucking why you still like a teenager?

I got home at about 4ish…to a home that had ran out of gas and electric. And also a letter stating I needed to pay £65 by the 17th with no clue as to what for. But I didn’t get upset, I called the number, it’s court costs for a crime I committed (I kicked a police officer who was trying to stop me committing suicide) back in January 2018 when I was really drunk. I was always pissed back then, like every damn day I’d fit if I didn’t drink. Anyway set up a payment plan to pay £24 a month.

Called my dad to ask if I could sleep at his, knowing I have Kai tonight and no electric or gas or money or even food (cue feelings of failing as a mother ..again). Hero dad came to the rescue .

He turned up took me to the shops, topped up my metres £25 each and bought me a few things food wise. (Early birthday presents for me) Hes a little bit of a gem. He said it means I won’t have “presents” on my birthday but honestly I’m not materialistic at all. I don’t need gifts, I don’t need presents. The things he paid for tonight I did need, and again he’s kindly helped me out of a hole. My dad really is amazing, he has care of my son and he’s just a real life hero. What broke me enough to get me into sobriety was my dad disowned me, he couldn’t watch me kill myself and promised to take my son to my grave. It broke me. I got sober. I’m still sober.

So that’s like a commentary of my day! But not the best part.

I have had the best evening with my son! It was awesome, just so full of love. Nothing extra ordinary happened but my goodness.

We played catch.. apparently mammy can’t catch anymore so Kai was laughing so much, which made me crack up. Then I kept catching him and tickling him. Put him in the bath and once he was ready in his PJ’s, I gave him a little massage. My son is literally the tickliest boy I have ever met, you don’t even have to touch him and he is screaming. Apparently mammy can’t massage so he gave me one to show him: pixie my kitten jumped up at that point so he demonstrated on her. Then I massaged him again. Then he sang Mama Mia. Had some cuddles before bed, Kai is starting to develop a really posh accent and I’ve no idea where from but it’s so damn cute.

Kai said he had had the best night with me and I was back to fun hyper mammy. I felt it too. I love him, I really adore him.

It’s lush! All is good x

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